AITA for Telling My Husband to Stop Disrespecting Our Surrogate?

Feeling like YATA for Check out our quick advice if you really are or not. But before that, let's read first a similar story to reflect on from Emily.

My name is Emily, and I’ve been married to my husband, Mark, for six years. We’re deeply in love, and while our journey to parenthood has been anything but conventional, it’s brought us even closer.

The unconventional aspect of our journey involves our surrogate, Lisa. She’s a close friend of mine and has graciously agreed to carry our child.

But recently, I had to confront Mark about his behavior towards Lisa, and now I’m questioning whether I might be the asshole in this situation.

The Surrogacy Decision

Mark and I have always dreamed of having children, but I have a medical condition that makes it impossible for me to carry a pregnancy to full term.

After multiple miscarriages and failed attempts, Lisa, who has three healthy kids of her own, offered to be our surrogate. This was a life-changing moment for us, and we decided to go ahead with it.

The Growing Tensions

Disregard for Lisa’s Feelings

As the pregnancy progressed, I noticed a gradual change in Mark’s attitude towards Lisa. It began with subtle things, like not acknowledging her pregnancy cravings, which might seem insignificant but made Lisa feel unappreciated. This disregard for her feelings extended to other areas of her life, as well.

For instance, Mark would invite friends over without consulting Lisa, making her uncomfortable in her own home. I could see she was getting frustrated, and I felt torn between my husband and my surrogate.

Control Over Lisa’s Diet and Lifestyle

One day, Mark went a step too far. He began to police Lisa’s diet, expressing concerns about the baby’s health. While his intentions were well-placed, it came across as controlling.

He would check her food choices, even going as far as confiscating sweets from her, which made Lisa feel like she was losing her autonomy.

Ignoring Her Medical Appointments

Mark’s behavior also extended to disregarding her medical appointments. He missed the ultrasound where we found out the gender of our baby, which upset Lisa deeply.

I could see she felt disrespected and unimportant. This was a breaking point for me, and I decided I needed to address the situation.

The Confrontation

Speaking to Mark

I sat down with Mark, and in the calmest way I could muster, I told him that his behavior towards Lisa was unacceptable.

I explained that she was not just a vessel for our child but a dear friend who deserved our respect and gratitude.

I asked him to stop trying to control her life, to respect her decisions, and to be more considerate of her feelings.

His Reaction

Mark was taken aback by my words. He insisted that he only wanted the best for our child, but he didn’t realize the impact of his actions on Lisa.

He apologized for missing the ultrasound and admitted that he hadn’t thought about how that might make her feel. Mark promised to make amends and be more considerate in the future.

The Aftermath

Lisa’s Response

After my talk with Mark, Lisa seemed more at ease. She appreciated that I had addressed the issue, and Mark’s subsequent effort to change his behavior did not go unnoticed.

He started attending her medical appointments, respecting her food choices, and showing a genuine interest in her well-being.

My Internal Struggle

Despite the improvements, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the asshole in this situation for letting things escalate to this point.

Perhaps I should have stepped in earlier and prevented Mark’s behavior from causing Lisa emotional distress.

The Dilemma

So, here’s the question: Am I the asshole for telling my husband to stop disrespecting our surrogate?


In this situation, it’s essential to consider the motivations behind my actions. I intervened because I saw someone I care deeply about being mistreated, and I couldn’t let it continue.

Mark, too, realized the error of his ways and made a genuine effort to improve his behavior towards Lisa. Our intention is to provide the best environment for our child’s gestation, which requires a harmonious relationship with our surrogate.

However, it’s also important to reflect on whether I should have acted sooner, preventing the situation from escalating.

So, while my intention was to protect Lisa’s well-being and the health of our child, there is a possibility that I could have handled the situation better.

The question of whether I am the asshole or not in this scenario is open to interpretation, but it’s clear that our shared goal should be to maintain a positive and respectful relationship with our surrogate as we embark on this unique journey to parenthood.

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